I found you, finally.
For the first time, I do not have any doubts.
It took me so long to figure out that you were the one. A year ago was when I it began to make sense. Once you came back into my life as a constant figure, I knew it. I just had to figure out to show you how I felt and what it all meant. I looked back so far to all the conversations we had, and the time we had spent together. It all made sense. You were always there, always my friend. You always came to me, and I always came to you. You told me everything, and you never missed a detail. I felt safe around you, and I could tell you anything. That is why our relationship now is as strong as it is. We broke those barriers of distrust by not putting a stipulation on it. I wish I would have talked to you the first time I saw you. I wish that when we finally started talking I would have told you how beautiful you were, how cute you seemed to me, and everything thing in between. I wish I would have told you everything from start.
No regrets though.
As for the reality of it all, I am glad I never did. I am happy that I waited. I would have not been ready, and I may not fully be ready still. That is not bad though, I am ready in sense that I am ready to grow with you. I am ready to see where we will go and how we will get there. I am ready for the life I have dreamed about my whole. To finally be with that person that accepts me for who I am, yet at the same time is the one willing to step up to tell me when I am wrong. The one to change me in the ways I need. I hope that I can be that and more for you. I want to change your world, and to show you that you are beautiful. That you do not have to change, but that you do not have to be afraid of who you want to be. I accept you completely. I know at times it may not seem that way. Deep down, when I think about too, I see that I do accept you. I say what I say because I want you to be everything you can be and everything you could want to be.
I want to see you achieve your goals. I want everything for you. I want to help you get there. To stand next to you, and to never stand down. I will raise you up, just like you have for me. I will be everything for you, and I do my best everyday to do so.
I am yours.
I love you, Taylor Nicole Thimesch.
(I like being corny for you too.)
Your emotions can dictate your life. Your emotions can either build or destroy you. Now if you let people control your emotions one of two things can happen. If they care about you they will make you feel incredible. Perhaps at times they may tear you apart only to put all the pieces back together in a way better than before. Those that do not care about you will destroy you or have no affect on you. It is your choice to let them dictate your emotions. I know that at times when their voice is only one you hear it is hard. I have been there. At times I still can be. You have to remember to fight them. To know that they are only trying to hurt you in order to make themselves feel stronger. We all want to feel strong and we all want to feel good. Some people will get those feelings in the wrong way. It is terrible that it has to be that way. All that matters is that you fight back to stay in control of your emotions. Otherwise, if not, people will control you and you will never be as happy as you could be.
"I read somewhere how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong, but to feel strong." - Christopher McCandless
I do my best to never feel weak, and only to be strong. In moments when I do not feel strong, it kills me inside and it fills me with doubts. Through these doubts I build my strength to know my weakness. To learn is to be watchful of your faults. Only then can you grow. So I do my best to grow and in only so in the ways which I know.
For you, I hope never to come off as weak when I am having doubts in myself. It is only for me to be stronger, and to do better for myself. That means to do better for you. When I make mistakes it kills my confidence, and it should. At the moments I need to wallow in it. To emerge better from sinking in it. I never want you to see me as weak, because I know you need someone to be strong for you. It is more than likely troubling when I am that way. I apologize for that.
I hope you know that I love you, and despite the doubts I put in you. These thoughts are not doubts in which you should feel about yourself and our relationship. They are doubts I have in myself. I am an insufferable mess when it comes to my emotions. As well as my confidence, at times. I have been wanting to talk to you and apologize for what I said. I know you do not want to talk about it much anymore. However, It still bothers me, and I am upset at myself. I feel better when I put my emotions out there, as a mess as they may be. I do want you to have to be caught in the turmoil of my own mind, but being with me is going to include that at times. I want you to know that it is not your fault.
I doubt myself at times, and I put that off on you.
I apologize and I am going to do my best to make it right.
I know too that apologies are only mere words, and they may not change anything. For me at this point, words are all I have. My actions will come to learn to not doubt myself. For when I truly take a step back and look at you and what we have. I realize how lucky I am to have you. You always encourage me. You are always there for me, and you always listen. I have no reason to doubt you, which means I should have no reason to doubt myself. You are so great, and I love you.
As I said I am going to my best to make it better for you.
I wanted you to know that, and it has been hard to say it all.
I love you.