"I read somewhere how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong, but to feel strong." - Christopher McCandless
I do my best to never feel weak, and only to be strong. In moments when I do not feel strong, it kills me inside and it fills me with doubts. Through these doubts I build my strength to know my weakness. To learn is to be watchful of your faults. Only then can you grow. So I do my best to grow and in only so in the ways which I know.
For you, I hope never to come off as weak when I am having doubts in myself. It is only for me to be stronger, and to do better for myself. That means to do better for you. When I make mistakes it kills my confidence, and it should. At the moments I need to wallow in it. To emerge better from sinking in it. I never want you to see me as weak, because I know you need someone to be strong for you. It is more than likely troubling when I am that way. I apologize for that.
I hope you know that I love you, and despite the doubts I put in you. These thoughts are not doubts in which you should feel about yourself and our relationship. They are doubts I have in myself. I am an insufferable mess when it comes to my emotions. As well as my confidence, at times. I have been wanting to talk to you and apologize for what I said. I know you do not want to talk about it much anymore. However, It still bothers me, and I am upset at myself. I feel better when I put my emotions out there, as a mess as they may be. I do want you to have to be caught in the turmoil of my own mind, but being with me is going to include that at times. I want you to know that it is not your fault.
I doubt myself at times, and I put that off on you.
I apologize and I am going to do my best to make it right.
I know too that apologies are only mere words, and they may not change anything. For me at this point, words are all I have. My actions will come to learn to not doubt myself. For when I truly take a step back and look at you and what we have. I realize how lucky I am to have you. You always encourage me. You are always there for me, and you always listen. I have no reason to doubt you, which means I should have no reason to doubt myself. You are so great, and I love you.
As I said I am going to my best to make it better for you.
I wanted you to know that, and it has been hard to say it all.
I love you.
Everything changes, and I know that it always will. This time it is different and it is because of you. I never held such a perspective about my life and about who I am supposed to be. I believe to the best of my knowledge that I have figured it out. You are here. I love that you are here. Nothing will ever change that, and that I know without any doubts. I have shared many doubts in my life, and many of them have strayed me wrong. I wish I would have ran with the hint everyone. With you it is different. There is no doubt in my mind that this where I am supposed to be. All the choices, right and wrong, have lead me here to you. I do not care how soon it is, but I am never leaving. I know what I feel and what I feel is this.
I love you, Taylor Nicole Thimesch. I know I will not regret what I feel or say in a few days, a few months, a few years, a few decades or even until the day I die.
My certainity of this has never been so clear. You have always been there for past three years of my life. Waiting for me and I waiting for you. Such a skinny love it is too good to be true, but it is. We both know it and that is all that matters.
I am so glad I found you.
I love you because I know what it means to love now.